billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
