i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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