he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
