Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
