Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i came on her dog
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
