i think my tv is drunk
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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