btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think your dad took our porno
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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