I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
