Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
