I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
