He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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