I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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