Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
