mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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