Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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