So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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