Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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