Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
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Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
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ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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