I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I love having hate sex.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize