Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
