i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
