you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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