got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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