So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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