I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
