You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
