look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize