Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
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I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
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Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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