some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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