When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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