You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
