I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.