um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
