Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
