I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize