i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just pee around me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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