my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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