Dual....:-)
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
