i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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