Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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