I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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