I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
