Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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