the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
