Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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