I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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