Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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