I think my vagina is haunted
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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