I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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