I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
