I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
