Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
