I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
a search helicopter?!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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