This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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