captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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