A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
