i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
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MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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