His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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