good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
