Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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